My name is James, but I could be anybody. I don't even know when my mind is disturbed. I think that my racist, disturbing thoughts are real. I have come to realize that my thinking is filled with dirt. The government is out to eliminate my race and every body, but myself, is to blame for the mess that we are in. I am doing the peace/love meditation that my coach is trying to teach me. A part of me knows that I am one crazy S.O.B. I have written insanely racially prejudiced books that have driven people to kill each other. It is only recently that my conscience has started to plague me. Something is wrong! I agree with my coach to commit myself to practicing the peace/love meditation. As I breathe deeply into my stomach and feel my chest fill up with air, I listen to the sound that comes out from the molecules of carbon dioxide. Oh my God! I feel better than I have ever felt when I was locked into my crazy thinking. I keep seeing the words "Peace and Love" as they dance across my mind and purify my soul.

I cry deeply for all of the pain that I have caused. I cry for my lost childhood and the love that I never had. I cry for the loss of my heart and the compassion that was never given to me. I weep for all the times that I have never been touched lovingly by another human being. I mourn for my loneliness and the love that I so desperately need. I cry for all the hate that was left in me because nobody cared enough to teach me how to love. They taught me to hate. They taught me that it was all right to hurt me and that I could and should hurt others. My mind is a cesspool of injury, hurt and agony.

When I learned how to meditate on peace and love, it brought up all the pain and deprivation of my childhood. I could not write it away. I could not make myself really feel special, when I was not allowed to feel special as a little boy. I put my venom down on paper. I preached and believed in hate. I felt justified because nobody loved me when I needed it the most. When I meditate and feel the love and peace that I never had, there is no room left for hate and murder. I now understand my dialectical dilemma. I was a hate mongering racist, hiding a little boy who needed to love every body, including my mommy and Daddy. I now know that I was not allowed to love. I was given permission to hate and hurt others. I learned my lessons well! But love and peace were waiting to explode inside of me.

My name is Reny. I have been challenged with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. That makes me bright, sensitive and extra perceptive. I see and anticipate things before they happen. Which is good and not so good, sometimes. My vulnerabilities allow me to experience myself in many different ways. Anxiety and panic attacks challenge me to learn and develop effective strategies for stabilizing myself, eradicating maladaptive traits and developing coping strategies. I No longer expect other people to take care of me. I am learning to take care of myself.

I've learned to battle my anxiety on a daily basis. As I breathe deeply, with my mouth open, I listen to my sound. Tomorrow, I can breathe deeply and anticipate my anger coming up. I set the goal, I hold the outcome in my mind. I breathe and make the "AHHHH" sound and I expect the anger to come up.