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Should we separate
or should we try to get back together again!? That is the question.
Have you ever been or are you in that great "in between"
stage in your significant relationship? So, asking that question,
should you separate or should you try to get back together
again?
It's a time of
great conflict, turmoil, anxiety and depression. Worlds are falling
apart. There is anger, hurt and back and forth accusations about who is
right and who was wrong, who is the innocent victim and who is the
guilty party.
The
bond of love has been broken. Should the separation be completed or
should reconciliation be attempted and possibly accomplished? These are
huge questions and dilemmas.
My
job as a therapist is to recognize and assess both the separation
anxieties and the coming back together fears and trust issues.
Healing goes both
ways..... separating or coming back together
again. Look up the word, "Together." Break it down into
parts.... To.... Get.... Her. They can mean several things; either to
get back together or to seek revenge and retaliation.
"To.....
Get.... Her." Same words, different meanings and actions. What are
the motives, intentions and hidden agendas of warring couples who once
fell madly in love with one another and now are on the brink of
dissolution?
The great in
between stage is something that I, as a therapist/counselor/coach, have
to constantly monitor the sliding back and forward of dismayed and
warring couples. Do these once great lovers need to be completely
separated or reunited for the well-being of each other and their
offspring? The dance of separation and dissolution is usually mixed
with the desire to come back together and seek a new bond of
reconciliation, forgiveness, trust and love.
Is it possible? The answer goes both ways.
Separation and divorce may be the only answer for each person's
personal evolution and growth. Reconciliation and coming back together
again and falling deeply in love again is
possible with the help of a Dr. Paul. I have seen it go successfully
both ways. Through intensive therapy, many couples have been able to
unhinge themselves from the buried pains and patterns that led them to
emotional and physical divorce; only to come back together to enjoy a
whole new marriage and family.
Is it possible? Yes! But, it's not easy to
get two warring factions clear of their own stuff and capable of
reconnecting at a more real level. When it doesn't work, separation and
divorce is the only plausible and reasonable alternative. When it does
work, it's true art. Then again, separation
and divorce can be like the creation of a new empire, a new life, a new
self and a new family. Staying married in a bad relationship can be
like a death sentence. A bad divorce can be also like a death sentence.
But, all is not bad news. There is a cure. Dr. Paul has the cure. It's
like a reconstruction of a life, a mind, a spirit. It's
art and science combined together to deliver that age-old quest for soulmate union or single life contentment.
So what's the
problem?
The problem is when you get two warring partners together in order to
reach a reasonable solution to their problems; guess what they do. They
fight and argue in therapy and each is looking at me to align myself and
support the one who sees themself as the
injured party. If I don't fall for this manipulation, I would see right
away that arguing is what they have opted to use as an ineffective
strategy. It is the glue of warfare that welds them together into a
life of struggle.
So what's the
answer? There is a lot of work to be done and skills to be learned and
introduced. But, the first step is to get each partner to agree "
Not to
Argue." If
that's not possible, get at least one partner to agree to "Not Argue."
Let me present this
possibility to you. If you could commit yourself to daily refrain from
arguing with your significant love other, what effect would that have
on your love life?
I am sure that your
answer would be extremely positive. But let me offer one warning. The
urge and the instinct to argue is extremely
strong, tempting and seductive. You will need to constantly remember
and reinforce your commitment to relinquishing the ineffective tool of
arguing from your most profound love relationships. Not easy to do
... but possible! Commit a trial period of time where you
consciously eliminate the will and desire to argue from your life and
your repertoire. At the end of the trial period, assess your progress
and then add a week or two to your commitment to release
argumentativeness from your life. As I have said, it is not easy to do;
especially if you have the internal tendency to have silent arguments
in your own imagination with figures from your past.
You will need to
ask yourself if you have a "Combative Personality." I know
that this Combative Personality is not part of the psychiatric
diagnostic manual DSM-IV. But, if you treat yourself as if you have
combative tendencies, you will be in a better position to monitor this
inclination when it interferes with your happiness and your partner's.
You may try this
mantra to see if it helps; "Lead us not into temptation and
deliver us from our own evil." You have a choice. You can choose
to argue or you can choose peace (shalom). When two people in a
supposedly loving relationship, choose peace it creates a garden of
Eden paradise where bliss, pleasure, ecstasy and joy abounds.
Dr. Paul
PS: Place this
manifesto on your refrigerator or some other conspicuous place, in
order to remind you that peace leads to love and arguing leads to the
graveyard.
PPS: Choose
today to create greatness in your life.
NEW - Watch our "Deep
Feeling Therapy" Video with Dr. Paul as produced for TV by Strange
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In this interview, Dr. Paul explains Deep Feeling Therapy and explores
the benefits of this phenomenal method of healing. You are transported
into the private arena of one's emotional pain through a full feeling
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any questions about the deep feeling method, this video will provide
the answers! To
view the video, click here ...
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