PSYCHOTHERAPYHELP NEWS
"Harried and Soon Divorced: Resurrecting a Dream
Marriage"
IN THIS ISSUE
Feature Story: A Cry for Help
First: Relax & Calm Down
Second: Unilateral Decisions
Third: Time is Precious
Fourth: Manage Money
Fifth: Work on Yourself
Sixth: Don't Wait 'Til It's Too Late!
Greetings
I would like to thank you for sharing your personal stories
with me. I would like to feature one today, as it shows the pain and anguish of
a young lady whose marriage "love fund" has been depleted and she's
crying out for help. In this newsletter, I provide strategies to build and
protect your relationship bank account.
Please continue to contact me and share your stories. My
best wishes for happiness, growth, and change ... Dr. Paul
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PERSONAL STORY: A Cry for Help
"I am going out of my mind. I have two small children
and my husband, behind my back, went out and bought a very expensive car. We
are hardly making our monthly expenses and he goes out and does something like
that. Is he stupid, or what? I am furious. I am on the verge of divorcing him.
All he ever thinks about is his business. When he comes home, he spends all of
this time on the computer, doing business. He hardly spends any time with me
and the kids. His business fluctuates and he spends a lot of time away from the
family, trying to drum up business. What should I do? My dream marriage is
going down the drain. Can you help?"
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FIRST: Relax and Calm Down
This is no time to get panicky. This is a time for you to
get centered and resolved to take charge and get control of your life. You are
out of control because of poor time management, communications and lack of
knowledge for what makes up an ecstatic relationship. The two of you fell in
love in the beginning of your relationship because you spent a lot of time
together. When you move in as a married couple, it requires a huge adjustment
from the carefree extensive time-sharing of your single days. The secret to a
sizzling marriage is to continue doing those things that made you fall in love
at the very beginning. So you will have to rearrange your time management, so
that everyone gets their needs met.
Read Dr. Paul's article "Touch and Affection" at
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/nss-folder/articles/Touch%20and%20Affection.htm
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SECOND: No Unilateral Decisions
Unilateral decisions are okay when you are single. But, when
you are married, they can become a disaster. Your husband made a unilateral
decision to buy an expensive car without discussing it and negotiating with
you. There can be no unpleasant surprises in an ecstatic relationship, unless
those surprises meet the needs of both partners. You'll need to sit down with
your husband and discuss the need to have mutually satisfying decisions, that
are fully discussed and enthusiastically agreed upon. It seems as if you don't
know what he is thinking and he does not know what you are thinking. The right-hand
does not know what the left-hand is doing; until it's too late! Effective
partners let each other know what they are thinking so that there are no
secrets or unilateral decisions that violate the needs of the other.
Read Dr. Paul's article "Married People, Unmarried
Minds" at http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/marriedpeopleunmarriedminds/
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THIRD: Time is Precious
You will need to sit down with your husband and devise a
plan for better time management. You are complaining that he does not give you
enough time. He doesn't give you the time and attention that you need, because
you let him get away with it. He does exactly what you taught him to do. If you
want control of your life, you will need to take a strong stand for your need
for time to be with him. Everybody gets the same amount of time every day.
Successful people manage control of those events that are governed by time. You
want time with him. Sit down and negotiate an effective strategy to get your
time needs met. Otherwise, you will continue to complain and feel deprived. If
you don't do something now, your marriage will slip into the hopper. You gave
each other enough time at the beginning of your relationship in order to fall in
love. There are no real excuses or justifications for letting that part of your
life slip away.
Read Dr. Paul's article, "Time Bandits" at
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/dealingwithtimebandits/
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FOURTH: Manage Your Money
If you do not a have a plan for managing your money, you
will slip below the line. Poor financial management creates problems and it
isn't necessary. Your family is like a corporation, a small-business. If you
don't manage your finances, you'll go bankrupt. What is your husband's
financial history? Did you know how he handled money before you married him?
How did you manage your own finances before you tied the knot? You are in your
present situation because of what both of you brought with you into the
marriage. It's time to change, otherwise you will be digging the same hole over
and over again. You need to take charge. If he can't run the finances, somebody
has to get smart. How do you go about saving money and living below your
expenses? Does he have a history of impulse buying? You'll need to discuss with
him the necessity for removing what you do not want from the relationship.
Destructive behavior and ineffective strategies will kill your marriage.
Unilateral impulse spending must be taken out of your life. In its place, you
should Institute a well-organized plan for communication, spending and saving.
Ecstatic marriages plan for success. Poor planning leads to divorce.
Check out Mary Hunt's website, "The Cheapskate
Monthly" at www.cheapskatemonthly.com
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FIFTH: Working on Yourself
Do you have a strategy, a time segment and an approach for
working on yourself? If you do not work on yourself with this matter, you'll
keep your husband in the dog house. Do you want him to be the "Bad"
spouse and you the "victim?" By taking time to work on yourself, you
clear out the toxic feelings that you have accumulated by "his"
mistakes. Remember, he would not have messed up if you had known how to handle
and control things. Look carefully and acknowledge your part in creating this
situation. It's not all his "Fault." Anything that happens in a
marriage is a "US/WE" problem and as such there is a
"US/WE" solution.
Read Dr. Paul's article, "Reinventing Yourself" at
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/reinventyourself1/
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SIXTH: Don't Wait Until It's Too LATE!
I get a lot of e-mail from people inquiring about
relationships that are plagued by anger/rage, obsessions, personality
disorders, etc. It is very difficult to adequately answer so many cries for
help through e-mail messages. If you're truly serious about changing your life,
please go to my web site, PsychotherapyHELP, and browse to your heart's
content. There are tons of FREE materials there just volunteering to give you
the benefits of strategies that really work.
Browse the FREE articles on PsychotherapyHELP at
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/nss-folder/articles/
Don't wait until it's too late! Things will probably get
worse, unless you get the knowledge and strategies that you need in order to
lift you into the stratosphere of love and hope. Telephone counseling is an
effective and proven method for changing your life.... no matter what the
circumstances are or the challenges that face you.
For more information on Telephone Therapy and how to get
started go to http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/telephonetherapy/
Like most people, when love becomes a dilemma, there are
definite solutions and you might find them in the groundbreaking book,
"Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic Marriages." But, if you are
comfortably uncomfortable in the status quo, don't change anything!
Learning new things that can really help you is a great idea
and constitutes a win-win situation. Repairing and rebuilding your love
connections is ALWAYS a plus ... whether you are seeking, starting or engaging
in a long-term relationship.
For more information about my Love Program and how to
order"Sizzling Relationships" go to
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/relationshipprogram/
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QUICK LINKS
Learn more about the many different therapy models at
PsychotherapyHELP.com at http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/door/
For past issues of
PsychotherapyHELP News go to
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/newsletterstodownload/
Learn more about Mood, Anxiety, and Personality Disorders at
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/mood1anxiety1personalitydisorders/
For more information on Deep Feeling Emotional Release
Therapy go to http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/feelingtherapy/
"Managing Stress and Anxiety" audiotape is the
most incredible relaxation and de-stress tape available. Click here for more
info ...
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/services/item.nhtml?profile=services&UID=49
Need answers? Check out Dr. Paul's manual, "Coping with
the Disorder" at
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/services/item.nhtml?profile=services&UID=60
For more information and various resources on deep feeling
primal therapy, workshops and communities, contact the International Primal
Association at http://www.primals.org/
Don't forget to explore our valuable "Resource Web
Links" at PsychotherapyHELP at http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/usefullinks/
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mailto:phannigphd@socal.rr.com voice: 818-882-7404