PsychotherapyHELP presents:
Finding Fault
by
Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFT
Have you ever found yourself thinking negative thoughts about
someone? How does it feel? Just about everyone, sooner or later, finds
themselves ruminating about the faults and flaws of another, whether it is a
friend, relative, business contact or anything for that matter. Perhaps, you
find flaws and faults with what someone else has done, produced or created. Do
you find yourself being overly critical of the performance of a boss, an
employee, a movie, a television show or even a book? The situations that are
open for fault finding seem endless.
Second Thoughts
Have you ever had second thoughts about your first fault finding thoughts? What was the nature of these second thoughts? Did you regret having the fault finding thoughts and wish to reverse or change the effects of your fault finding? Did you wish to change your fault finding thoughts because they were harmful to you?
Self-Serving Thoughts
During that time, did your fault finding thoughts serve you
in some way? In what way and why was that? Perhaps, you found fault in order to
ward off uncomfortable, painful, unwanted feelings. After your discomfort,
anger and pain subsided, did you notice that you were more willing to change
your first thoughts to more positive thoughts? Second thoughts also serve a
need and a purpose inside of you. All thoughts - whether negative, positive,
fault finding and second reparative thoughts - seem to be in the service of
your ego, dependent on your needs at any given moment.
The Consequences
Fault finding distances you from the person or source of
your fault finding. Distancing may relieve pain and discomfort but, in the long
run, can cost you vital relationships and possibly much needed resources and
information.
For example, one wife continually keeps searching and
finding fault with her husband. The distance builds and eventually there's a
divorce and the dissolution of a family. A son is having difficulty with his
father's excessive fault finding. The distancing creates a chasm and the
father/son relationship is characterized by avoidance. The son reaches full
adulthood and has a full blown Avoidant Personality Disorder. His whole life is
influenced by his primal hurts accumulated at the feet of his father's chronic
fault finding. Relationships are never fully consummated and job opportunities
are missed. What has developed is an internalized fault finding parent who
continues to influence the son by imprinting automatic, avoidant behavior.
So, as you can see, fault finding thinking can cause pain
and harm to one's own psyche and to relationships. If you have fault finding as
an enduring trait, take stock as to how this kind of thinking affects or even
harms you and others. Like everyone else, being maximally effective and
successful depends on your thinking and how you get along with others. If you
are unable to make and keep friends and business contacts to the satisfaction
of your goals, you may find some sort of fault finding at the root of the
problem. This also means finding fault with yourself.
If you change your thinking, you can change your life.
Change your Thinking, Change your Life
Successful relationships are remarkable for their lack of
glaring fault finding. Think of someone or something with whom
you have found fault and write down how you reacted. Does your thinking work
against you? Now think of the benefits and rewards gained if you eliminated
your fault finding and instead, focused on the positive and constructive
aspects of the person, situation or product.
Recently I was reading a paper written by someone and found
myself disagreeing with the usage of one of her concepts. Initially, I found
fault with her ideas because they didn't seem to fit my own theoretical and
experiential models. Because I disagreed with her thinking, I found myself
finding fault and on the brink of critically rejecting her thinking. This was
my first reaction. Call it first line thinking. Then I said to myself,
"Now wait a minute. Let's look at this a little closer, more in-depth, and
see if there is something useful here. If I look deeper there could be a hidden
opportunity." So I started applying her concept to some of my own thinking
and, - lo and behold - I found the hidden benefits in my second thoughts. I
call second thoughts, second line thinking, because they require more scrutiny
and attention than first line, automatic, knee jerk, reactive thinking.
Tips on Letting Go of Fault Finding Thinking
One tactic for dealing with your first line, automatic
triggered fault finding thinking, is to control it completely and take it home
with you for a working through process. Don't hold onto fault finding thinking.
It will cause you anger and pain and if you blurt it out, it may cost you the
benefits that may be inherent and hidden in your relationships. Get over
finding fault. Let it go! Erase and eradicate negative thinking. Convert those
thoughts to positive, beneficial opportunity ideas, beliefs and reasoning.
Don't follow the advice of some one who proposes that it is
healthy to express all thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are. Good
judgment supersedes social verbal ventilation of all your thoughts. However, in
the privacy of your own emotional sanctuary, it is highly recommended that you
express fully, all of your thoughts and feelings. This will give you relief,
integration, insight, connection and inner wisdom.
For more information, contact:
Paul J. Hannig, PH.D., MFT,
Email: