PsychotherapyHELP

Dr. Paul

Managing Your Anger: Just Don't Dump It ... Work on It!

Watch this video as Dr. Hannig shows the most productive way to work out anger ... not at your home or office, but within the therapy setting!

There are dynamics in certain relationships that can trigger or lead to excessive anger, rage, violence, verbal threats, batterings, even homicide. Anyone who is engaged in an intense relationship or interchange is vulnerable to losing his/her temper. I believe that the underlying buildup of tension and anxiety, if left uncontrolled, will burst through the cognitive cortical gates of the mind. In other words, the typical brain mechanisms that control the acting out of rage and violence are not sufficient enough in highly tense situations to control an outburst.

So, what do you do? If you are in a relationship that creates excessive anxiety and tension, you will need to learn how to recognize the early warning signs of anger before it leads to an emotional outburst. Anxiety and tension builds up insidiously.

A typical scenario may go like this: you or someone else may be bothered by a situation that happened the day before. Tension levels are rising and he or she is becoming more upset unconsciously. Suddenly, without provocation or due cause, that person's face shows an emotional arousal. The eyes open real wide, the tone of voice becomes short and, if left unchecked, the situation could lead to a full scale outburst. One strategy to employ when someone or a loved one is getting upset for no apparent reason is to say:

"Calm down, relax. Don't get excited. Watch your tone of voice. You're raising your voice. You don't have to talk to me in that tone of voice. We can talk like normal people, calmly. You're shouting. Calm down. Talk in a calm voice. I can hear you better when you don't yell. You're getting anxious. Relax."

Remember it may not have been anything that you said or did. Your partner, child, etc. may have been feeling bad about something that is completely unrelated to the present situation. If you are confused about why he/she got angry, after the episode calmly ask what was bothering him/her.

If you are the person who has your rage triggered by someone, it is best to develop strategies that would counteract your loss of impulse control. Walk away until you have cooled down or concentrate on developing an internal locus of control when you are faced with these kinds of situations.

Let us look at the tension building phase in your life and relationships. Are you one of those people who react to your own tensions with violence, threats and attack? If you allow violence, threats and verbal abuse into your relationships, it will compound your normal tensions. Tension is normal but it is what you do with it that matters. This is the time when you may lash out with excessive anger. You challenge someone, a stranger, spouse, relative, or acquaintance. You tell them that they are wrong, stupid, incompetent, insensitive and unconcerned about your needs. You are capable of getting your victim to accept blame for your situation. Your victims try hard not to make any mistakes that may upset you. You make your family, friends etc. responsible for making you feel better and, of course, they are always going to make mistakes that cause you to explode. Even their best efforts at pleasing you are doomed to failure once they break their vows and promises of obedience and compliance with you.

Certain relationships use violence, rage and abuse as a way to solve problems. If your family background has contained physical and verbal abuse, you will be susceptible to using threats and violence in such a manner. However, threats and violence are ineffective in solving problems. Many of us grew up under the threat of violence and this leads us to develop attitudes, such as: "If I am pushed hard enough, I will use threats, name calling and even violence to get what I want". Observe how some children interact with one another during a tense situation. They will typically resort to name calling, coercion, hitting, bullying or threats to get what they want.

Be aware that threats, name calling, battering, and violence usually makes things worse. It is wise to develop interactions that keep anxiety and tension under control so that violence and threats do not become a part of your interactional repertoire. Even if you are provoked and try to justify your abusive threats, remember you are the one who is upsetting yourself. You are probably talking yourself into rage and threats. Yes, your rights may be continually violated. So what. Your viewpoint can eventually be heard and your needs met with calm patience and a firm, but not angry, tone of voice. People may need to hear from you over and over again, before they can adjust to your needs.

Anger is not a "bad" emotion. If it is expressed properly, problems can be corrected and wants and needs can be addressed. However, reactive anger is another matter. It is defensive by nature and potentially damaging to one's self-esteem. The good news is that I have found that reactive anger can be managed by therapy and the use of specifically designed, deep relaxation tapes. When these tapes are used once or twice a day over a period of 30 days, the person feels wonderful and marvelous. Problems dissolve, calmness ensues and reactive anger diminishes or disappears entirely. It’s a very effective tool to help you focus and manager your anger.

Please check out our Online Store for the CD Program "Feel Great" to help you relax, eliminate negativity, and cease your anger response. This CD program is best used along with weekly sessions, which are available in the office or by the phone. Please call for more information.