C. Life in recovery - Attempts to resolve the disasters caused by others' misinterpretations of my addiction and accepting the responsibility for my mistakes and my recovery - and not taking responsibility for the mistakes, disasters and discrimination caused by others, but having to deal with them nonetheless:

Most assholes say, "You are responsible for it all. You brought it all upon yourself." Please already! Does a leukemic make his wife divorce him, the judge fine him, the DEA steal his car and put him in jail to get treatment there, partners to fire him, authorities to discriminate and abuse him, doctors blame and punish him for relapses, and anyone else to take advantage of his tragedy for their own selfish needs and prejudices? No. So, why should I be responsible for these peoples' actions? I'm not and I refuse to accept that. Love me, love my disease, not just the pluses but the pluses and minuses. Otherwise, what is love? Take your responsibility for your actions, one of which is being involved with me in the first place. Don't tell me you didn't know I was an addict when you met me. Everyone knew I was a recovering addict, even my patients, many of whom I helped get into recovery.

My addiction didn't ruin my career. The NYS Health Dept. did that. One of their demands to me is that I take responsibility for their destructive actions. That's one of the paradoxes of this "take responsibility" bull shit. They want me to take responsibility for their illegal and discriminatory behavior. Thus, they get off the hook for being destroyers. That's what they're demanding; that I take them off the hook for being bigots. If I don't, no license.

Moving on: I finally had a sponsor and immediately surrendered my recovery to him. What a relief. I was now free from the power of the disease which always had me make terrible decisions for myself. I had a decision consultant and his word was final. I was safe from my disease. My life turned around completely at the point, not that I didn't make more mistakes but I didn't take them seriously and could recoup rapidly from them.

The first disaster that I lived through was in 5/92 when I received a letter from the prosecutor of the health dept., the one who threatened to turn me over to the DEA if I didn't get straight. Now she wanted to revoke my medical license. For public safety reasons? No. As punishment for being such a bad addict. This was quite simply put when my lawyer told her I was in recovery and would be no trouble any longer to her and should get probation or suspension, but not revocation. The prosecutor said, "Don't mistake this hearing for a restoration hearing, it's a revocation hearing. He's here for punishment, period." This is public safety?

You see, revocation is like capital punishment to a doctor's career. You can apply for restoration, but they don't have to restore your license unless you can prove to them that you deserve it. This means that if they don't want to, they will never restore your license. They just say you didn't prove you deserved it. The basis for this is, as I've said before, purely subjective. There is no way to prove you deserve it because there are no criteria for this, much like joining a fraternity or a country club. Just a lot of blah blah blah. "Too bad. You didn't prove to us that you deserve it. You only proved that you need more punishment."

I went to the hearing and was clobbered by rumors, innuendoes, nursing notes from detoxes about "drug seeking behavior," questions about the order of protection, why this and why that. My sponsor and therapist came to the hearing and vouched for my sincerity and recovery. They were abused and ignored. The hearing was for show, not for gathering information and making a decision. The decision had already been made. The hearing was for punishment and they knew beforehand what that punishment would be. They only did the hearing because they had to, and to get testimony from me to misuse and misinterpret, testimony to mold into a "reason" to revoke my license. That was the reason they were there and that's what they did. That was accomplished with maximal pain to me and cost me $5000 for the lawyer who did absolutely nothing. What could she do? It wasn't a trial and there was no cross examination, voir dire, or evidence arguments. All evidence against me be it hearsay, or from confidential medical records was admissible, and my evidence was ignored. Kangaroo court. So, that was that. Revoked. There was a nonappeal appeal, if you know what I mean. That was swiftly rejected by the higher authority. I was apparently able to appeal the case in court, but was never made aware of that remedy. So much for lawyers. That revocation is now a dead issue because it is way too late to do anything about it by law. Who was there to tell me about this stuff?

We desperately need a central hub for information and advocacy, but none exists. None exists. Not one. Not the national council on alcoholism or any of the countless other groups purported to advocate for addicts. They all have their own agendas and these agendas have very little or nothing at all to do with helping addicts. They seem to help everyone but the addicts. I have established The National Association for the Advancement and Advocacy of Addicts, The N4A, for such a purpose, for all addicts. For the addicts. The N4A still has only one member. My website, www.hypoism.com, has the N4A brochure and its reasons d'๊tre. Check it out.

My life at this point revolved around recovery, living and enjoying my life, my kids, probation, financial battles with friends who went bankrupt on me or refused to repay loans I stupidly made to them while addicted, the divorce, and visions of license restoration way in the future, if at all.

Out of the blue, one sunny afternoon, out back, birds singing, smells of newly mowed lawns wafting through the breeze, I began to write. Writing led to reading which led to more writing. About addictions. Questions, thoughts, ideas, insights, some knowledge, lots of bullshit (superstitions, pseudoscience, lies, myths, outright nonsense and psychobabble). What a mess. I started from the beginning to look at my addiction and addiction in general. Neurobiology, evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics, addictionology, biology of emotions, how the brain works, how the mind works, how addictions work and what they really are, instincts, decision-making, feelings, and genes. How do they lead to addictions? What is an addict? What is the pathophysiology tying it all together. This activity continued over the next seven years and resulted in a paradigm and a book about the paradigm. Could this be the real disease behind all addictions we have been searching for? It was so exciting. I was enthralled. I was smart enough to do this and had the training to be able to sort out the shit from the wheat. It built upon itself. I was led by the nose into the reality of addictions. The dark ages of addictionology and misperceptions of addictions and addicts were being ended, day by day. Friends typed it for me. Friends drew pictures for me. It grew and matured into a complete and global paradigm of addictions related to the brain mechanisms which have evolved over millions of years to deal with animal instincts and decision-making. It involved genetic diversity of genes making up this system. It made sense, was simple, and involved all addictions in a single package. It answered all my questions and put the jigsaw puzzle of addictions and other peculiar addict difficulties into a very pretty and concise picture. I sent it off to addictionology publications and wasn't too surprised when it was rejected out of hand, not even questions or discussion. Why not? It was heresy. It had the potential to put a lot of addictionologists, therapists and rehabs out of work. I finished the book anyway. It was and still is a marvelous undertaking. The work is continuing. The book and its implications have kept me alive and still does. I have found my niche.

Then, there was bridge, the motorcycle, the boat, gardening, guitar, my kids, golf, kayaking, hiking the Tetons, WFUV, and continued medical education. 10 years of vacation with pay. Life was good but quite frustrating during the times I had to deal with the medical license, criminal justice system, others' bankruptcies, and the people standing in my way to being restored to full citizenship.

By law, I was allowed to request a restoration hearing from the Ed. Dept. in a year. I waited three years so that I would be finished with probation and be secure in my recovery. By then, all ducks would be in a row, so I thought. To my increasing dismay, however, there was a lot more sadistic discrimination to come.

The Committee for Physicians Health (CPH): An offshoot of the NYS Medical Society to deal with doctor addicts, monitor their urines and recovery and eventually write a letter to the NYS Dept. of Ed. if I fulfilled their requirements for reinstatement. Remember, I had been kicked out of the program in 1991 by Dr. Blum for not going to Mississippi for the 8 month rehab. In late 1992, I received a call from the CPH in Albany. It had moved their from Lake Success and there was a new Medical Director, Dr. Mansky, a recovering addict and psychiatrist. The call was from Dewveal Williams, a counselor there who wanted me to pay a $251 bill for previous urines I hadn't paid for. He seemed nice, so I confronted him with, "How about helping me get my license back instead of being a bill collector." He said, "Gee, I didn't know you wanted your license back." "Yup, sure do." "OK, I'll ask Dr. Mansky what to do." "OK. I'll send a check." I paid the bill and he called me back with the deal. I had to get evaluated by their shrink out here on Long Island. I told him I didn't trust shrinks, they always want you to go to therapy, the last thing I wanted to do. A.A. was doing just fine and I had just reviewed the literature on psychotherapy in addictions for my growing book and there was no benefit whatsoever shown unless you believed in it. Good for shrinks, not for addicts. We made a deal. So I could protect myself against indiscriminate mandated psychotherapy, I would talk to the shrink and review her recommendations. If I didn't think it was a fair appraisal, I could find another shrink for the evaluation without her sending the report to the CPH. He said fine. She said, "NO." So I found a board certified addiction shrink at L.I.J., Dr. Selzer whom my sponsor told me he had heard speak and had a good grasp on addictions and besides, was not biased for psychotherapy or "medication." I called him and he agreed to the deal. Wow. A shrink with integrity. He evaluated me and found that what I was doing was fine; continue as is. Cleared for the CPH. And the CPH accepted his evaluation, so I thought. Three years later I would discover they hadn't fully accepted it. I think they never expected me to stay sober long enough to need their letter of approval so let they me stay until I mess up again. Of course I didn't mess up, so their real motives were later revealed to my horror.

Federal probation: Not that bad, but long-5 years. I had five probation officers during that time. Four were good people. One was a sadist, and, if my instincts are correct, a recovering alcoholic to boot. This guy accused me of using every visit. He told me what he would do if he caught me. He questioned me about my car, my house, and other financially connected issues as if they were bought with "drug money." "I was living pretty good for a drug addict felon," he would say. He visited my house unannounced, as they are allowed to do, but with an attitude like, "Where's the dope?" By this time three plus years had gone by, he informed me that, "We just made a contract with Glen Cove Alcohol and Drug Treatment Program. All my drug addicts are going. You must get evaluated." My hair stood up. I had completed my treatment requirement set by the judge years ago and believed myself clear from that abuse. "If you don't go I will violate you," he followed. Here we go again-mandated psychotherapy, or else. He knew I was fine. He was busting balls. I called my lawyer to start objections in court. He advised me to go to the evaluation and see what happened. I went. First was the director who loved addicts so much and wanted to help. I told her I was fine and my life was fine. "Oh, we will help you so much. Please give us a try." I said I was fine¹⁴…………

The shrink I had to see knew nothing about addiction. He just wanted to know how much and how often and which drugs. The psychometric psychological tester had three days of testing for me to go through. I went to the first, but that was it. I called the lawyer and said to write a letter to probation requesting out, now. He told me to get my own shrink evaluation.

This was 1995 already. I called Dr. Selzer again and told him my plight and that I needed an expert reevaluation and a new letter. He saw me and found me still sound and recovering well. No need for psychotherapy, etc. He wrote the letter to my lawyer who put together a complaint against the probation officer. I had to sit through a visit after that and was he pissed. Stern intimidation, but I hung in there and the complaint was resolved without having to go before the judge. In fact, the next visit was the last with this guy because he retired soon thereafter. My last probation officer was a mench, and by that time I applied for early release from probation so I could move ahead with my license restoration without the burden of probation hanging around my neck. That was granted---so goodbye Uniondale and probation. One down and still a few to go.

Reinstatement of medical license:

This is the last of the areas in my life to be straightened out and is turning out to be the most difficult and discriminatory of all. The entire process is run by administrative law, the kind of law that stimulates "going postal." This kind of law pushed Ferguson over the edge and caused the mass killings in Garden City, NY on the LIRR. This episode has been mistakenly used as an example of an isolated instance of a schizophrenic "lone madman" who had a gun going berserk and using it indiscriminately. No. He was thoroughly discriminated against in a disability hearing where he was told he wasn't crazy enough to need disability. Well. I guess he proved them wrong. His administrative endeavors were ignored after the maylay because it's easier for the "public" to blame a "madman" than deal with systemic administrative discrimination that deeply hurts people who have no recourse but to act out their frustration. We wonder about Littleton, Colo. and Waco/Oklahoma City? And, how can this occur all over the country? It must be the TV and video games as well as bad parents? No. No one looks at the society's inability to deal with conflict resolution involving people with diverse ideas, beliefs, and even behaviors as a deep seated cause of violence. OK, don't. I'll tell you from my experience-administrative law can really piss you off. It can twist you into a ball of frustration and rage. Moreover, because of the secrecy of their proceedings, the general public doesn't know what's going on behind their closed doors (they're not open like the courts). Moreover, there is no accountability whatsoever unless you are able to file an antidiscrimination lawsuit that costs a million dollars or so to complete on your own. This has not yet been done.

Administrative law is not really correct. It really is "administrative lawlessness." It is established by law. Then it makes its own laws to govern its administrations and the poor suckers who are involved. It incorporates none of the legal rights of ordinary citizens including voir dire for juries and panels, rules of evidence, inadmissibility of hearsay, rumor and innuendo, cross examination of witnesses, false accusation, misinterpretation, expert testimony, etc. It does include remarks, beliefs, discountings, slurs, misrepresentations and lies or anything else they want that suit their agendas. Besides, any appeals you may have are done within their system. Moreover, they take as long as they want for you to exhaust their process before you can appeal outside their jurisdiction. And, you can't appeal their decisions until you're done with their prolonged administrative process. It is much like being caught in a whirlpool.

This type of law runs the CPH and the Health and Ed. Depts. of NYS.

CPH: Picking up where I left off a couple of pages back, the CPH accepted the evaluation of Dr. Selzer. For the next two years all went well. One day, however, I received a call from Mr. Williams. He informed me that he had quit the CPH and was moving on to head an addiction program in Syracuse, NY. He had transferred my case to a colleague and told me that I had full advocacy from the CPH and to go ahead and apply for license restoration with Dept. of Ed. I wished him well and waited to hear from his colleague about the letter of advocacy. In the mean time, I submitted an application for license restoration.

Soon thereafter I received a call from Mr. William's replacement. It wasn't the person to whom he had referred me, but a different counselor altogether. This person whom I will leave nameless told me not only did I not have their advocacy, but that I was basically starting over from scratch. He was decidedly a recovering Uncle Tom and a sadist, one of the worst I had ever encountered in my addiction experiences, much like the sadist probation officer. I've described this incident along with their insistence I get a psychiatric evaluation from their shrink, Dr. Labins, and the outcome of that in footnote 5, so I won't go through it again except to say that treatment and psychiatric abuse issues surfaced similar to, but worse¹⁵ than what had occurred at the end of my federal probation - mandated psychotherapy and betrayal. Out of nowhere and for no reason given, my advocacy process was to start over. I was furious. I asked for Mr. Williams phone number and was told, "He's no longer your counselor, I am. We don't give out forwarding information." I subsequently found Mr. Williams in the Syracuse job and told him what was transpiring. He grimaced and agreed to write a letter saying that when he had left his position with the CPH my advocacy was in the bag, that I had fulfilled all CPH requirements, and that I was advised by him, with Dr. Mansky's approval and advise, to apply for restoration. I have that letter, for what it's worth. I appealed to the NYS Medical Society for help. They sent me back to the CPH for an appeal of their demands. I had the appeal and, of course, lost. Because you can't get restoration without their approval, I swallowed my pride and went with their demands, but was horrified and enraged. GO TO PAGE 5, THE LAST OF THIS ARTICLE.