Divorce  is referred to as a civil process.  That is because law is divided into to primary categories, civil and criminal. However, all too often divorce is anything but civil.  Cases can drag on for months and even years depending on the facts in dispute.  I have even seen divorce cases that linger longer than the marriage itself.  What drives this litigation? Why is it that two people who loved each other to join into a marital union can fight each other over dogs, cats and even tupperware?  The answer is not easy.  The solution is even more difficult to find.  the answer is in human psychology and human nature.

In most cases, husbands and wives are not fighting about dogs or cats. Instead they are sending a message to each other. Over the course of the marriage they learn to push each others buttons. They find weak points. They are also hurt in the relationship.  the response in a divorce ignores logic. It ignores financial considerations and, instead,  is based on a far more basic need - the need to feel respect and to feel vindicated.  The tools to accomplish that goal are the things that are important to the other person.  For many years I puzzled over the thought that people would spend hundreds of dollars per hour in attorney's fees to argue over seemingly meaningless items. But after a time, the answer was fairly simple. 

Every person, regardless of their social status or their bank book, needs to feel that they have been heard. Our court system does not lens itself to that end.  We file Petitions. We file Motions. We submit affidavits.  All of those documents  tend to magnify the issues that occurred during the divorce. they also tend to marginalize the contributions to the marriage of the other parent.  That "push" is responded to by a reciprocal "push."  The end result is that the parties are polarized and feel a need to vindicate themselves or to exact their revenge.   They want their day in court.

That does not always mean a trial is necessary.  Divorce proceedings are all too often processed through paper pushing.  one lawyer sends an angry letter. the other responds. All the parties see are allegations challenging their skills as homemakers, parents and financial partners. they feel the need to respond in kind.  However, if the parties are ever able to face each other, whether that is in a conference room or in a court room, They are far more likely to be able to air their grievances to the other party. In short, they feel heard. It is at that point that they are ready to resolve their differences.

It is no coincidence that 90% of all divorce cases settle. When they settle is generally after each party feels that they have had their say.  In the court setting, that may be at a pretrial or at a settlement conference.  That is particularly true when the parties have the opportunity to face each other and say their piece. Some may not be relevant in a court proceeding. It is an emotional outlet.  It is only after that point that they can move on.

So how do we facilitate that settlement?   One of the best ways is for lawyers who understand that need to facilitate a face to face meeting, where it is appropriate, at the earliest possible opportunity.   This can be done through collaborative law or by simply setting up an office conference during the proceeding.

One of the important rules for participants in a divorce is to keep an eye on the prize.  What is important? What is necessary to move on?  Everyone can save money on legal fees by understanding this need.